“Hey, let’s go to see that play- Ya sure”
“Hey are you free this Sunday for a party? Yes, I am”
“Hey, I know you are busy but do you mind helping me out with this project? Yes sure, no worries”
Do you relate to this?
If you do not, chances are you aren’t a people pleaser, but the people pleasers will know exactly what we are talking about.
Each of us at some point or the other has said yes to something we didn’t want to say yes to, succumbing to peer pressure but sometimes, it is okay to do that because, at the end of the day, we are social beings. We need that validation and a sense of belonging.
The question we need to ask ourselves is do we know where to draw the line? Do we know where to stop? Something to ponder about but before introspecting too much, one should know what being a people pleaser means.
What is People Pleasing?
To define it simply, being a people pleaser entails being too kind or too nice to others. This is a very looking through rose-tinted spectacles point of view. A people pleaser is someone who is not only kind and helpful to others when they need it but goes out of their way to make sure the other person has everything they need and more, sometimes at the cost of their own needs and wants. Other people alter the thoughts and behavior of a people pleaser.
It is so hard to say no to people but it is a hundred times harder for a people pleaser. People pleasing often stems from the fear of not being liked, not being accepted for who they are, and losing others. They try so hard to make everyone around them happy that in the process of doing that, they lose themselves.
One might wonder to what extent pleasing people affects a person’s life. A people pleaser does not only neglect their wants but in the long run, any relationship with a people pleaser tends to turn toxic. A people pleaser does not only care about what everyone wants but as mentioned earlier they have their share of insecurities and fears. There are so many people who use them for their own good and benefit. When others depend on them for anything, they feel better about themselves, they feel validated.
The problem is that most of the time these efforts do not get reciprocated, not always because the other person is toxic or using them. Everyone needs their space and some boundaries should not be crossed. People pleasers assume that just because they are helping others they have the right over so much of the other person’s time and space.
It gets really hard for them to spend time thinking about their wishes, and wants, and doing things alone. I understand how difficult it is to not think about others, to not be able to stand up for yourself, and not do things that make you happy but it is not impossible. Taking baby steps will help you get the real you back.
4 Helpful Ways To Stop People Pleasing
1. Make Yourself a Priority
We cannot stress this enough but stop saying YES when it is not convenient to you. Start with saying no when you are busy. Eventually, you will get better at saying no, not only when you have work but when you want to spend your time doing the things that make you happy.
2. Stop Avoiding Fights
Stand up for yourself , not saying how you feel to avoid a fight with a loved one does not show how much you value that relationship. Not having clear communication is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship and is causing nothing but harm to the relationship.
3. Try New Hobbies
Learn something you have wanted to do for a long time or rediscover your passion for anything you loved doing. The only way to know what you like and what you do not is by trying new hobbies.
4. Express Yourself
Start by talking to yourself about things you want- you can journal it, look in the mirror and talk to yourself, record voice notes, or anything that makes you feel comfortable. The first step to confidence is acceptance. Only when you believe in yourself, only when you make yourself feel important would you be able to see how much others value you. Only then would you be able to keep expectations and know what you deserve?
In the end, all that matters is how you perceive yourself to be.
People pleasers lack self-esteem and they fail to recognize how special and worthy they are and they do not need to prove themselves to be treated how they deserve to be treated. Each one of us needs human connections after all we are social beings but we believe drawing boundaries is the key.
It gets really hard for them to spend time thinking about their wishes, and wants, and doing things alone. We understand how difficult it is to not think about others, to not be able to stand up for yourself, and not do things that make you happy but it is not impossible. Taking baby steps will help you get the real you back.
How long is it going to take us to realize that we are our own perfect match in this crazy world? The first step to change is accepting your weaknesses which we believe is one of the bravest things ever and if you are brave enough to do that, you are doing just fine.
The GoodLives App supports you with mindfulness exercises, self-reflection tools, and guided meditations that help build boundaries and self-worth — so you can show up for yourself, too.
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